A man comes into the Confessional. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned, it has been a long time since my last confession."
"How long, my son?"
"Since grade school, Father."
"Tell me your sins."
(details omitted for obvious reasons, but it was quite the list!)
After some counselling, praising God for the gift of Faith, the priest continues:
"For your penance, pray 10 Hail Mary's."
"I'm sorry, Father, but I don't know that prayer."
"What about the Glory Be?"
"I don't know that one, either."
"The Our Father?"
"Nope."
"What prayer do you know?"
"Father, I could say the Angelus."
"Ok, say the Angelus as your penance."
Curious as to how he could not know some of the basic prayers, but still knows the Angelus, Father had to check it out.
Sneaking out of the Confessional, he approaches the man from behind when he hears him saying in a soft voice: 'Bong, Bong, Bong, Bong; Bong, Bong, Bong, Bong."
Thank you! I'm here till Tuesday! Try the veal, it's delicious.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, November 12, 2010
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Early Christmas Present?
Just in case someone is wondering what to get me for Christmas/Birthday/Ordination Anniversary/Just-Because-It's-the-Year-for-Priests-and-you're-looking-for-the-perfect-gift-for-that-priest-who-has-everything day?
Ok, back to work now.
Swing of the Thurible to the awesomely awesome UniWatchBlog. (See the ticker)
Ok, back to work now.
Swing of the Thurible to the awesomely awesome UniWatchBlog. (See the ticker)
Friday, January 29, 2010
Catholic Church sued by NFL
Reports out of New Orleans are shocking in the wake of the Saints' first ever appearance in the NFL Championship Game. We must pray for reparation!
(One of the things I love about being Catholic is that we get to have a sense of humor.)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Monday, June 1, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Monday, March 9, 2009
Saying it, without saying it
Another submission by my brother:
Saying it without saying it:
A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired Gentleman approached and asked if he Could join him. the first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'
The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?
The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed t hat he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.' The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'
The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'
A fellow was getting ready to tee off by himself on the first hole when a tall, stately, grey haired Gentleman approached and asked if he Could join him. the first man said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first two holes. The tall, stately gentleman said, 'We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?'
The first fellow said he was a pretty good player, and that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms, thinking we're pretty even so far, so why not?
The stately gentleman played 'straight & true' golf the rest of the round and won the remaining sixteen holes with ease. As they were walking off the 18th green, and while counting his $80, the tall, stately golfer confessed that he was the teaching pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed t hat he was the parish priest. The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The priest said, 'You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.' The pro said, 'Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?'
The priest said, 'Well, you could come to mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them.'
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Church Bulletin Bloopers
Apparently, these actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:
• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
• The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days!
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, supper entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
• The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
• The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days!
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, supper entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
• The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
Monday, March 2, 2009
New Presider's Chair?
Does anyone know where I can get a new presider's chair for the parish where I assisted this past weekend?
After fasting most of Friday and then missing lunch on Saturday b/c of appointments, I started gnawing on the arm of the chair during the First Reading at Mass on Saturday afternoon. I'm afraid the pastor was rather upset with the teeth marks I left, too.
After fasting most of Friday and then missing lunch on Saturday b/c of appointments, I started gnawing on the arm of the chair during the First Reading at Mass on Saturday afternoon. I'm afraid the pastor was rather upset with the teeth marks I left, too.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
He's a 'Hole-y' Guy
LoL Saints has one of my favs today.
A good Catholic with a great sense of humor can be an extremely effective evangelist.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Finding God at the Colbert Report
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Chromedome Clergy Conference
Adoro picked up the story of the similiarities that was noted earlier this week.
Ray from MN picked up the theme and noted his pastor could join the fun, and suggested the following:
I think we go with it, eh? We've got a bishop and I know of several priests and deacons who could be members, including the Vocation Director in Bismark, North Dakota.
Oh, and you just knew Vincenzo had to get in on the act, didn't you!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Sunday, January 18, 2009
Humbled by a 3 year old
Checking in from my sister's in Minster. Yes, the pond is frozen, but I had to pass along the following anecdote:
My sister was bringing down exchange gifts for today's get together. Her daughter (and my Goddaughter) saw her bringing them down: "Ooh, goody, I want presents!" she enthusiastically tells her mother.
Sister replies: "But you have to wait for Uncle Kyle to bring your present."
Goddaughter: "But mom, I don't like Uncle Kyle!"
That's it, she's out of my will!
My sister was bringing down exchange gifts for today's get together. Her daughter (and my Goddaughter) saw her bringing them down: "Ooh, goody, I want presents!" she enthusiastically tells her mother.
Sister replies: "But you have to wait for Uncle Kyle to bring your present."
Goddaughter: "But mom, I don't like Uncle Kyle!"
That's it, she's out of my will!
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
The White Death Approaches!
Cincinnati is in a Panic! 24 hour weather coverage has ensued, first snowflake spotted over Western Hills 20 minutes ago, schools canceling as we speak!
This moment of hyperbole brought to you by our sponsors.
(Couldn't resist)
This moment of hyperbole brought to you by our sponsors.
(Couldn't resist)
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Grandpa's last joke
For those of you outside of western Ohio, it seems grandpa's last joke on the rest of us was the fact that it SNOWED dramatically during the funeral Mass and Rite of Committal at the cemetary. He's smiling down and saying: Gotcha!
God's Rest, Grandpa. We all love you much.
God's Rest, Grandpa. We all love you much.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Difference between a Coadjutor and an Auxiliary
Auxiliary walks into the bishop's office in the morning and asks: "Everything ok today?"
Coadjutor walks into the bishop's office and asks: "How are you feeling today?"
As said by Archbishop Pilarczyk at the press conference.
This is going to be confusing with two Archbishops.
Coadjutor walks into the bishop's office and asks: "How are you feeling today?"
As said by Archbishop Pilarczyk at the press conference.
This is going to be confusing with two Archbishops.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Need an Excuse to Party?
I recieved the following e-vite, which was too good to not pass along:
On October 11, 1962, John XXIII opened the Second Vatican Council. To me, this sounds like a good reason to have a Catholic dinner party. (Actually, we just needed another excuse to get together for another reunion, so work with me here! Uh, thanks for the idea Fr. E!)
Let's all celebrate the "spirit of Vatican II"! Bring your guitars and Carey Landry tunes! Bring your "Gather" hymnals and your felt banners! Get ready to sing "kumbaya" and hold hands! If you're nice to me, I'll even put on a liturgical dancing side show, complete with incense bowls! Let's do it up right like only our generation can! ;)
Sorry, I'm doing this potluck style guys. The coming months are crazy busy for me - and besides that, I suck at cooking, but we need to keep our Catholic Fellowship going - so let's party! I will provide pizza, beer and soft drinks. Can you each bring a side and/or a dessert?
GUESTS WELCOME! (But remember, we're all Catholic here!)
I love the sense of humor of Catholics.
On October 11, 1962, John XXIII opened the Second Vatican Council. To me, this sounds like a good reason to have a Catholic dinner party. (Actually, we just needed another excuse to get together for another reunion, so work with me here! Uh, thanks for the idea Fr. E!)
Let's all celebrate the "spirit of Vatican II"! Bring your guitars and Carey Landry tunes! Bring your "Gather" hymnals and your felt banners! Get ready to sing "kumbaya" and hold hands! If you're nice to me, I'll even put on a liturgical dancing side show, complete with incense bowls! Let's do it up right like only our generation can! ;)
Sorry, I'm doing this potluck style guys. The coming months are crazy busy for me - and besides that, I suck at cooking, but we need to keep our Catholic Fellowship going - so let's party! I will provide pizza, beer and soft drinks. Can you each bring a side and/or a dessert?
GUESTS WELCOME! (But remember, we're all Catholic here!)
I love the sense of humor of Catholics.
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