Thursday, March 5, 2009

Church Bulletin Bloopers

Apparently, these actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced during church services:

•    The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

•    The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."

•    The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

•    Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

•    The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.

•    Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

•    Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

•    Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

•    For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

•    The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:     "Break Forth Into Joy."

•    Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days!

•    At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

•    Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

•    Scouts are saving aluminium cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

•    Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

•    The church will host an evening of fine dining, supper entertainment and gracious hostility.

•    Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

•    The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

•    This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

•    The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

•    The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

•    The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the church basement Friday at 7 PM.  The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

•    Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.

•    The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday:   "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"


MJ said...


LM said...

OH MY! I haven't laughed that hard in a long, long time! Thank you!!!!

gramps said...

Great posts. I always love these, but have to admit, if they have happened while I am at church, I have missed them. These were really good.

By the way, our family is devoting our daily rosary during all of lent for you and your vocation and to bring great future priests into your path.

Father Schnippel said...

Thank you, Gramps, I greatly appreciate it. (I need all the help I can get!)

Vincenzo said...


Amy said...

I've read these before, and they always make me laugh. When I was in high school, my youth group borrowed griddles for the SonRise breakfast on Easter Sunday. The note in the bulletin the following week said there were "girdles galore" in the kitchen... This always reminds me of that...